Last year I decided to become a self-sufficient stylist and fully freelance. It was something I was hesitant about and I had a lot of fear around. I like stability and a steady income, so I knew going freelance meant planning ahead and budgeting in order to stay afloat. Not all days are good days and not all months are profitable, but I was exposed to this when I worked in sales. Some days are good, some days are barren, some days make up for the days you didn't have anything. It's a part of the process and something I tried to train myself in while I was working at my office job over a year ago.
There have been times when I started to panic and I started to question whether I should just give up and get a job somewhere else and go back to working for someone else. Lately I've been taking color appointments even if I don’t like doing them, just so I can keep myself bringing in some income because I feel my mental health and healing have prevented me from fully focusing on my work and income production. I can start to beat myself up about it but I also realize I have been granted an opportunity of a lifetime. I am grateful to have made it as far as I have thus far. It is only year one, and the first year is usually the hardest because you are starting to get a feel for things. I'm still learning and while I learn I also have been focusing on my healing. Although I may not be thriving yet, I do realize that I am not where I was a year ago. Instead I am working for myself, feeling more comfortable with my skill, getting out of my own way, and my speed has also improved which was a part of my goals that I set for this year. My main thing was that I wanted to become more skilled and a faster stylist so I could do more of what I love to do.
Last weekend I did 2 weddings in one day and this time everything worked out smoothly. There were still times where I felt choked up or nervous, but I found that loosening up and not worrying so much about being perfect made all the difference. It felt counter intuitive because I'm used to creating very structured looks and very "shellac-ed" hairstyles that last all day, so loosening my grip on control and allowing things to be softer and more “flowey” has proven to be a challenge for me. Like I told one of my leads at DV (the wedding company I work with), "I'm always afraid of being too messy" so I hold back or rather I don't let myself be soft and airy, instead I remain in control of the hair at all times and I end up creating something that is too "stiff" and structured. I've heard it before.
And as I write I start to realize it is a metaphor of my life. I need to loosen up. I used to think I was the person who was chill and just went with the flow, and in some areas I am, but I think overall, I like to have a grip on life and I want to see perfection. What the Universe is trying to show me lately, I feel, is that there is beauty in imperfection. Sometimes you don't have to try so hard and sometimes those "effortless" looks are not only more fun to create but they are also more soft, romantic, airy and, in their own way, beautiful.
There is a time and a place for everything. Sometimes structure is good. Sometimes it isn't necessary and having more flow creates a happier outcome for everyone involved. To me it actually takes a load off and I feel more relaxed since I've loosened my grip and allowed myself to be "imperfect". How odd that something so seemingly insignificant can tell me so much about what life is trying to teach me. I definitely feel like I'm being taught that more flow and ease bring about better results in my life. I guess I never realized how tight my grip was on my "old way" of thinking. Everything had to be perfect, still, and long-lasting. But I now understand that it also creates stiffness, non-movement and less “flow”.
I understand the significance of the two. The last wedding I did allowed me to not only do a better job because I didn't focus so much on perfection, but it also gave me the freedom to enjoy what I do. Going through "obstacles" and not taking them personally and allowing myself to be flexible and try to connect with what my client wanted, reminded me of the potential within the chaos. Even though communication seemed to be failing and it seemed to be difficult to understand my clients needs, I allowed myself to remain open and eventually we did exactly what made her happy.
What I learned was that I need to loosen up and let myself flow, which yields greater results for everyone involved making the process more enjoyable for me and opening up my mind to think of solutions more clearly without taking things personal. Working alongside my client to connect and understand what makes them feel comfortable was a key to successfully delivering the results that created a happy outcome for my client, I just had to think outside my own box.