Nostril Burner or Fertilizer?

This morning my Facebook page reminded me of this friendship bracelet. It brought me back to the moment I received it and it triggered a childhood memory. I was in Costa Rica for a 10 day trip. One of the days we went to this little souvenir shop where we all got food and some people shopped for things. I was waiting to do my souvenir shopping on the last day so I went back to the bus after I ate. Next thing I know, the my trip roommates get on the bus and hand me this bracelet. I remember feeling surprised but happy that they had thought of me. This was very special to me. I didn't understand it at the time, but this was one of those rare occasions in my life where I actually felt like I was part of the group, where I actually felt accepted.

The memory triggered some tears because it reminded me of being a little girl. Growing up, especially in elementary school, I never fit it. I felt excluded, like a weirdo, an outcast. I was weird. I still am, the difference is I accept it now, but kids can be cruel and I felt it. I've always been very sensitive so it would really hurt me when people were mean. I was very innocent, naive, and my mom still picked out my clothes so, as one of my friends so politely put it, "you looked like a dweeb". Damn. I had no idea that's how people thought of me, but now it makes sense. My mom bought me the most ridiculous clothes and because I didn't care or had any sense of fashion, I just wore it. I look back at old photos now and I can see how I got picked on, but when you're a child, you don't understand those things and you just feel like there is something wrong with you. I remember some girls excluding me from their little "clubs". I would cry because it hurt and because I didn't understand why they didn't want me to be a part of it. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Maybe there was, but I was a child and a sensitive one at that. Being called a "crybaby" or "too sensitive" were things I had heard far too often. When you hear that repeatedly, you do start to wonder if there is actually something wrong with you.

So for the first time, I guess, I was part of the "club". Maybe for the first time, I felt like there wasn't something wrong with me. I felt accepted and not only that, I felt wanted. THEY had thought of me when they were picking these out. I wasn't even nearby, but they included me in their thoughts. This is why this moment was so special to me. This is why I hold these friendships near and dear to my heart.

I am grateful for this moment and this memory. I am even grateful for the mean girls who excluded me, picked on me, or made me feel less than. I hated them then, but it taught me how to be compassionate and have empathy for others. That pain made my heart expand. I am able to hold space for other people now and I genuinely care when someone is feeling down.

We all learn from our experiences. Life is going to hand us some crappy cards at times, but what are you going to do with that crap?

It reminds me of this quote I used to have up on my fridge:

"Shit happens, but it's up to you to use it as a nostril burner or a fertilizer"

We can't control what life hands us. We can't control how other people treat us or even when they hurt us. You either let that get you down for the rest of your life, or you grow from it. I didn't want to be sad and feeling sorry for myself forever. I did not want other people to have the power over how I felt about myself. Step one was learning to accept myself completely, sensitivities, weirdness and all. When I did, the Universe blessed me with people I could relate to, who loved and accepted me for who I am. For that, I can only be grateful.

Lesson on "Flow" vs Structure

Last year I decided to become a self-sufficient stylist and fully freelance. It was something I was hesitant about and I had a lot of fear around. I like stability and a steady income, so I knew going freelance meant planning ahead and budgeting in order to stay afloat. Not all days are good days and not all months are profitable, but I was exposed to this when I worked in sales. Some days are good, some days are barren, some days make up for the days you didn't have anything. It's a part of the process and something I tried to train myself in while I was working at my office job over a year ago.

There have been times when I started to panic and I started to question whether I should just give up and get a job somewhere else and go back to working for someone else. Lately I've been taking color appointments even if I don’t like doing them, just so I can keep myself bringing in some income because I feel my mental health and healing have prevented me from fully focusing on my work and income production. I can start to beat myself up about it but I also realize I have been granted an opportunity of a lifetime. I am grateful to have made it as far as I have thus far. It is only year one, and the first year is usually the hardest because you are starting to get a feel for things. I'm still learning and while I learn I also have been focusing on my healing. Although I may not be thriving yet, I do realize that I am not where I was a year ago. Instead I am working for myself, feeling more comfortable with my skill, getting out of my own way, and my speed has also improved which was a part of my goals that I set for this year. My main thing was that I wanted to become more skilled and a faster stylist so I could do more of what I love to do.

Last weekend I did 2 weddings in one day and this time everything worked out smoothly. There were still times where I felt choked up or nervous, but I found that loosening up and not worrying so much about being perfect made all the difference. It felt counter intuitive because I'm used to creating very structured looks and very "shellac-ed" hairstyles that last all day, so loosening my grip on control and allowing things to be softer and more “flowey” has proven to be a challenge for me. Like I told one of my leads at DV (the wedding company I work with), "I'm always afraid of being too messy" so I hold back or rather I don't let myself be soft and airy, instead I remain in control of the hair at all times and I end up creating something that is too "stiff" and structured. I've heard it before.

And as I write I start to realize it is a metaphor of my life. I need to loosen up. I used to think I was the person who was chill and just went with the flow, and in some areas I am, but I think overall, I like to have a grip on life and I want to see perfection. What the Universe is trying to show me lately, I feel, is that there is beauty in imperfection. Sometimes you don't have to try so hard and sometimes those "effortless" looks are not only more fun to create but they are also more soft, romantic, airy and, in their own way, beautiful.

There is a time and a place for everything. Sometimes structure is good. Sometimes it isn't necessary and having more flow creates a happier outcome for everyone involved. To me it actually takes a load off and I feel more relaxed since I've loosened my grip and allowed myself to be "imperfect". How odd that something so seemingly insignificant can tell me so much about what life is trying to teach me. I definitely feel like I'm being taught that more flow and ease bring about better results in my life. I guess I never realized how tight my grip was on my "old way" of thinking. Everything had to be perfect, still, and long-lasting. But I now understand that it also creates stiffness, non-movement and less “flow”.

I understand the significance of the two. The last wedding I did allowed me to not only do a better job because I didn't focus so much on perfection, but it also gave me the freedom to enjoy what I do. Going through "obstacles" and not taking them personally and allowing myself to be flexible and try to connect with what my client wanted, reminded me of the potential within the chaos. Even though communication seemed to be failing and it seemed to be difficult to understand my clients needs, I allowed myself to remain open and eventually we did exactly what made her happy.

What I learned was that I need to loosen up and let myself flow, which yields greater results for everyone involved making the process more enjoyable for me and opening up my mind to think of solutions more clearly without taking things personal. Working alongside my client to connect and understand what makes them feel comfortable was a key to successfully delivering the results that created a happy outcome for my client, I just had to think outside my own box.