This morning my Facebook page reminded me of this friendship bracelet. It brought me back to the moment I received it and it triggered a childhood memory. I was in Costa Rica for a 10 day trip. One of the days we went to this little souvenir shop where we all got food and some people shopped for things. I was waiting to do my souvenir shopping on the last day so I went back to the bus after I ate. Next thing I know, the my trip roommates get on the bus and hand me this bracelet. I remember feeling surprised but happy that they had thought of me. This was very special to me. I didn't understand it at the time, but this was one of those rare occasions in my life where I actually felt like I was part of the group, where I actually felt accepted.
The memory triggered some tears because it reminded me of being a little girl. Growing up, especially in elementary school, I never fit it. I felt excluded, like a weirdo, an outcast. I was weird. I still am, the difference is I accept it now, but kids can be cruel and I felt it. I've always been very sensitive so it would really hurt me when people were mean. I was very innocent, naive, and my mom still picked out my clothes so, as one of my friends so politely put it, "you looked like a dweeb". Damn. I had no idea that's how people thought of me, but now it makes sense. My mom bought me the most ridiculous clothes and because I didn't care or had any sense of fashion, I just wore it. I look back at old photos now and I can see how I got picked on, but when you're a child, you don't understand those things and you just feel like there is something wrong with you. I remember some girls excluding me from their little "clubs". I would cry because it hurt and because I didn't understand why they didn't want me to be a part of it. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Maybe there was, but I was a child and a sensitive one at that. Being called a "crybaby" or "too sensitive" were things I had heard far too often. When you hear that repeatedly, you do start to wonder if there is actually something wrong with you.
So for the first time, I guess, I was part of the "club". Maybe for the first time, I felt like there wasn't something wrong with me. I felt accepted and not only that, I felt wanted. THEY had thought of me when they were picking these out. I wasn't even nearby, but they included me in their thoughts. This is why this moment was so special to me. This is why I hold these friendships near and dear to my heart.
I am grateful for this moment and this memory. I am even grateful for the mean girls who excluded me, picked on me, or made me feel less than. I hated them then, but it taught me how to be compassionate and have empathy for others. That pain made my heart expand. I am able to hold space for other people now and I genuinely care when someone is feeling down.
We all learn from our experiences. Life is going to hand us some crappy cards at times, but what are you going to do with that crap?
It reminds me of this quote I used to have up on my fridge:
"Shit happens, but it's up to you to use it as a nostril burner or a fertilizer"
We can't control what life hands us. We can't control how other people treat us or even when they hurt us. You either let that get you down for the rest of your life, or you grow from it. I didn't want to be sad and feeling sorry for myself forever. I did not want other people to have the power over how I felt about myself. Step one was learning to accept myself completely, sensitivities, weirdness and all. When I did, the Universe blessed me with people I could relate to, who loved and accepted me for who I am. For that, I can only be grateful.